i only make music because i have to, some outside force pushes me towards it; though i don't feel any particular desire to resist this force, i tried to insert my own self-directed meaning into my music this year (2024) and i just went crazy, daily panic attacks and a psych ward visit. my music isn't really mine, im a conduit for something greater; i dont remember making any music ive ostensibly "recorded" or "written" or "published". i don't know what my music means; i don't know if you should be obliged to mine an intent either
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i will further elaborate this later this is rough but the basics of it
1. there is a spiritual Stuff (mana, Spirit, or a glue) which permeates everything, where every set of things regardless of status as abstract and concrete is also a thing, the Stuff is simply infinitely divisible. even in Stuff's absence is there Stuff.
2. there is a phenomenological barrier, constructed by the preconceived notions of every thing as defined above that we don't, CAN'T realize are projection; when 2 ordinary people say they understand each other its likely that their 2 positions are actually completely irreconcilable.
ergo, everything is in flux, an amorphous tangle, it is our kinetic paint which categorizes it, and there are those (see: angels, like Jesus, Buddha, every schizophrenic every autistic most creatives and most engineers/mechanics/architects) who divine the totality by sort of stripping the paint and probing the abstract or the concrete ends respectively, and prolong its cessation through various negentropic methods, usually of an investment in a social field. metaphysical custodians. the Uncanny and the Sublime are the same in essence. there is no truth, just tendencies towards the totality, the Uncanny/Sublime. truth is just what would be most productive to the current state of human affairs. though i dont think the goal is necessarily "gnosis"; im not sure if there even is a goal except being, you are always already passively conducive to Stuff
some other corollaries: to assume everything's intelligibility as inevitable is just an extension of a paranoiac suspicion in some ultimate intention that we have been moored to; absolute ontological tyranny. Jesus as diviner-but-not-divine, just simply the most experienced (like a Christian Spinozism). monotheism is cruel and results in demagoguery!
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APOCALYPSE ALREADY (my previous conviction for posterity as an intellectual quarry. the stuff about social negentropy is still important and true.)
nothing i perceive is actually what it is in the sense that what i see is everything but the thing itself, that is, everything only gestures around the abstract sense of the object, but the function of that transformation between the object and all other objects is inscrutable; i would never be able to deduce the actual form and content of any given object, and that this applies to abstract concepts too and especially communication, where essentially everyone is saying the exact same thing over and over in written and spoken word, but i can not grasp it. this is different from the dialectical assertion that no object is itself, because you can still make empirical observations about a given object within such a framework; what ive described renders such observations unfalsifiable, flimsy, brittle. how can it be that when i describe some experience of mine pertaining to my own perception, another party can say they understand it completely? how can such highly specific analyses and descriptions of such phenomena be true for an unproportionally large number of people? maybe it is true and just how groups form yet it still makes me uncertain anything i say is there at all, that its being rendered entirely differently in an imperceptible manner in the time and space between me saying it and it reaching the other party
for a while i was still able to rely on the assumption there is a singular concrete material reality from which all our personal subjective realities and perceptions are derived, a sort of predictive model of what of actual reality is important and pertains to us and nothing more nothing less (and this is the case, look up "predictive coding"), even if this still certified that no single person can actually grasp the totality of the world and not even in a large group, that we can only deduce it and only partly still from the conjunctions and disjunctions of all our perceptions. i liked to think people with congruent personalities and interests tend to gravitate towards one another, so between more closely related people the experience in question may as well be the same for the two, but as the two parties grow more disparate in their conditions, there grows a wall of obfuscation proportional to this level of disparity that transforms the one party's experience into something more intelligible to the other party, but this transformation of course necessitates a misconstruing of it as the actual essence of the experience would be increasingly unintelligible to someone with increasingly different environmental/social/psychological/etc conditions
i now recognize the congruence between the walls in the last paragraph and the paragraph before respectively, i am moored to a subordinate metaphysical caste, a perceptual prisonhouse, a torture chamber, for people's sadistic pleasure. my gender dysphoria (this/"transgender" is just what they call it so they can ostracize me further) arises from a disconnect i subconsciously intuit what i am made to perceive/what other people pretend to see me as and what i really am/what other people really see; my real form is already a feminine one but i am precluded from truly conducting myself. i have been hypnotized into this eternal condition, this disco on a psychic dance floor, for i would be too powerful otherwise; even in here i can still read peoples minds and make them do things. but others still have some agency over my own thoughts; so many of my idle thoughts automatically include value statements which i don't even agree no disagree with, and if i can't control my thoughts, are they really mine? i don't really experience intrusive thoughts insofar as the content of some of my thoughts that would be intrusive for others have no bearing on me yet i still know my brain has been branded by something outside
Pinback - Concrete Seconds
at the same time out of a sort of learned helplessness, i adhere to what ive come to describe as "social negentropy"; purposefully generating social potential while simultaneously limiting social action to delay the heat death of the universe, which is my best measure for what is objectively ethical. loopholing the rules of this game; being intentionally awkward and off-putting, doing stupid shit, aiming to interact with those with personalities and interests unlike mine. stuttering, tripping over shoelaces, hesitating between ostensible opposites. we all know too much about each other and we all know too much about each others movements and actions, so the wall must be exploited to an extent, for demolishing it seems ontologically impossible. the above Pinback song:
Sitting at a bus stop
Trying to take my shoes off
But my laces are all knots and you
Looking for an answer to an old question
So easy I can't explain it
And anything I say to you is gonna come out wrong anyway
(...)
Late at the station
Feeling all wound up
Got to walk several blocks past you
Try to read a t-shirt
Thinks that I'm a pervert
Sorry, wasn't getting fresh, but...
or 17776, an ambiguous heterotopia of globally coordinated social negentropy:
"If they advanced too much further technologically, those advances would inevitably intrude on their humanity. People wanted to walk. They wanted to take the bus that smelled like cigarettes. They wanted those precious three minutes between asking a question and knowing the answer.(...)People defeated scarcity. Everyone had what they needed, and nobody got sick, but they found that they needed things to be just a little difficult once in a while. They needed to stub their toe and wait in line and see that CHECK ENGINE light. They decided to leave their existence just a little short of perfect, because they wanted to want."
also see Dhalgren
the meaning of life isn't static and responds accordingly to the totality of human action at every given moment; hunting-gathering humans must have had a different idea of the meaning of life for they had no concerns of information supersaturation, entropy, etc. the rapture will occur when we can consistently deduce the meaning of life from that totality, and as we allocate more resources towards that knowledge, the meaning of life would approach the pursuit of knowledge itself. everyone has an idea about the truth of ultimate reality already, even agnosticism presumes such a truth is inscrutable to humans; everyone is religious and religious texts are meditations upon our pursuit. yes, we CAN say empirically what a given creative work is about from the totality of its practice, maneuvering between the jaws of cracking a presumed authorial intention and immersion in undifferentiated intensities. if i have to make music then i am necessarily accruing knowledge always, i am living and have been living for knowledge. the intellect is God, my power is derived from being His most efficient conduit. yet at the same time there was a more cohesive meaning to life; e.g. in the 20th century, those regular revolutions. now this world is so lost and moments of group focus are fleeting, transient, unnoticed; the approach towards the intelligibility of life is a feedback loop and this unreality necessitated the loss of it, a march towards total entropy. a joke said once is funny, twice is annoying, thrice is funny once again, and increasingly disconcerting thereafter. so, through specifically a comedic coding is anger opposed to apprehension...it is only within the present social political economic biological etc codings we are constantly permeated by that schisms and dichotomies arise. the Real is the plane of deterritorialized empty signifiers...what im describing here is effectively deterritorialization, semantic satiation as becoming-imperceptible, and if history repeats then this world must already be in the undifferentiated entropic soup of energy & matter...neural image diffusion is just a mirror to this necrotic trashed world which is where the "uncanniness" arises in others